The Cheesecake Factory is a Good Place to Argue
A little over two years ago, my wife and I separated. We decided it was time to move on and file for divorce. In the past six months, we’ve agreed to terms a few times, only to have it fall apart a few weeks later. We’d agree on conditions then some well-meaning friends would bring up a horror story about Aunt Sophie. When she got divorced, her husband secretly smuggled in tulips from Denmark and sold them behind her back, pocketing all the money and leaving her destitute and eating expired, generic cat food from a dented can while living under an overpass. The following week, I’d have to defend myself from tulip-trafficking accusations, and we’d start all over again.
Even after a two-year separation, tempers and feelings can run high, making negotiation inefficient and messy. The conversation can turn from a spreadsheet to “Fuck you and your blue socks!” in a sentence or less.
It was difficult working this out at the house because we have a 13-year-old son. I’ve read enough books to know that when mommy and daddy start saying things like “You are such a goddamn asshole” and “Fuck you if you think I’m gonna agree to that!”, it makes a child a little uncomfortable.
Attempts at assurances and soothing didn’t always go as planned either. For example, “Mommy still loves you even though Daddy is a fucking dickhead.”
We decided it would be better to work out our differences over dinner. Of course, this meant we had to agree on where to go to dinner. Shit.
Fine dining wasn’t appropriate. If the evening exploded into a chorus of epithets, we didn’t want to fuck up someone else’s proposal at the next table. “Don’t do it, you stupid motherfucker! We speak of thing to come. Heed our warning!” we would say as we stormed out of the restaurant like the ghost of Christmas future.
Fast food might be appropriate, and it probably wouldn’t be noticed if our table suddenly erupted into drama. Arguments probably happen there on a regular basis. Sadly, however, Taco Bell does not serve alcohol.
We wanted casual dining with a full bar. We needed somewhere where we could be moderately aggressive and raise our voices a bit without drawing too much attention. We also wanted a full bar. Oh, I guess I mentioned that already.
I remembered reading somewhere that The Cheesecake Factory is dimly lit and noisy on purpose. People eat more in dim lighting, and they have hard surfaces throughout, so it always sounds busy and bustling. And, they have a full bar. It was exactly what we were looking for.
We went down to our local Cheesecake Factory, put in our name, collected our buzzer, and sat at the full bar. After a drink, the host led us to our table and we began unpacking our desires and frustrations. We paused to order the avocado egg rolls when the server came by with bread.
We talked over dinner and drinks. We raised our voices. We went back and forth over issues. We insulted each other a little, and I pointed out that clearly, she had eaten more than 50% of the sauce for the egg rolls. How can I possibly trust her to negotiate in good faith after that?
As usual, the restaurant was quite noisy. Ordinarily, this would be a bad thing. Tonight, it was precisely what we needed. We could still hear each other but, it was loud enough that we could argue without disturbing the surrounding tables.
We also received exceptional service. Our arguing wasn’t loud enough to disturb the nearby tables, but it was interesting enough to keep our waitress close by and checking on us frequently. We received way more than our allocated basket of bread, and she was never more than a glance away. The apparent eavesdropping of the server and the young boy with the water pitcher meant our glasses never got below half full.
By the end of the evening, we were able to agree to terms on the house, alimony and child support. Not bad for one evening, two entrees, a plate of egg rolls and four drinks.
We wrote up the agreement together the next day and we’ll take it to a mediator to have it finalized next week.
So the moral of this store is two-fold.
First, if you’re ever going to get divorced, go to The Cheesecake Factory to work out the terms. Order the avocado egg rolls, and share
Second, the next time you’d like to get better service at a restaurant, argue with your dinner companion and make it interesting enough that the staff wants to listen. A heated exchange about your sex life will keep the servers nearby and attentive.