Coconut Oil, Masturbation, and a CPAP Machine

About five years ago, I started snoring.  If you ask my ex-wife, it has been longer than that, but it didn’t get to the point where I was waking myself until then. I’d been disturbing her for some time, allegedly.

A CPAP machine is a medical device that helps prevent certain types of snoring. It blows pressurized air up my nose while I’m sleeping to help clear the airway so I can breathe easier.  It works very well.  I initially started wearing it to support my ex-wife in her quest for sleep, but I soon found that with it on,  I slept much better.  I felt better rested in the morning when I used the machine.

CPAP masks of old were clunky full-face respirators resembling part of a hazmat suit from a zombie apocalypse movie.  The machines themselves were bulky and noisy.

These days, masks are much smaller and more comfortable. The smallest ones fit over the nostrils and are made from soft silicone. Machines are smaller with a silent air intake on the side. The mask is barely noticeable. Sometimes, I forget its there.

I can watch tv, read, check facebook, and masturbate, all while wearing the mask (not all at once). Only one of these activities has ever caused an issue.

Masturbation is probably almost as universal as sleep.  Who doesn’t like to drift off into deep slumber after a nice, stress-relieving orgasm?

Some people like to use lubrication for a smooth, gliding feel.  Others don’t use any at all.  I alternate and improvise depending on my particular mood.  This particular night, I chose to use coconut oil.

The lights were off. I was in bed already with my mask on, ready to fall asleep after some quick handiwork.

I keep a box of tissue next to the bed because I’m conscientious about cleaning up.

I finished the task at hand and reached for a few tissues to get rid of the evidence.

I was tired, satisfied, and ready for bed.  The lights were out. I was comfy, cozy, and ready to dream.  I had one problem.  I had a wad of tissue in my hand, and the trash was in the bathroom. I didn’t feel like unhooking the mask, turning off the machine, getting up, and disposing of the tissue.  I wanted to roll over and go to sleep.

Here is where my evening took an unexpected turn.  Here is where I overlooked the logistics of the situation before I took action. Let this serve as a warning.

The CPAP machine blows pressurized air. There is a small, silent fan near the air intake that sucks in air and pushes it through the tube, directly into my nose.

I didn’t want to get up.  I figured that I would properly dispose of the tissue in the morning.

I set the tissue on the nightstand.

I set the tissue on the nightstand, next to the CPAP machine.

I set the tissue on the nightstand, next to the goddamn air intake of the CPAP machine!

Jesus Fucking Christ! What the hell just happened!?

My next breath was a concentrated blast of semen and coconut scented air.  I gagged.

The scent took me by surprise.  I hesitated. I froze. I was traumatized.  I couldn’t take the mask off before I had to breathe again.  The machine delivered another shotgun blast of air that smelled like I had just fucked a mounds bar.

I managed to remove the mask and switch off the machine.  I was fully awake and in fight or flight mode.  I got up, stomped to the bathroom, flushed the offending tissue, and returned to bed. I was fully awake and ready for combat.

I got back into bed and read for an hour or more before I dared put the mask back on again and try to sleep.

You would think that after doing this one time, I would have learned my lesson.

Nope.